Notes from a Rambler

Have you ever had the urge to just talk and talk to your lips hurt? Thats how I feel right now. I am not suppose to talk and I really want to talk so badly.

Here I am sitting in this little room called the Silent Study room and I am not allowed to say a word. I look at my friend and we can't help but silently laugh at each other. Why is it, when you are in a situation where talking and laughing are prohibited you want to even more? Also, why is it that everything is so much funnier in this situation than not? I don't understand it. I feel I need to discover this and create my own personal theory for why this is. I know that I am not the only one is really feels this way. So here is my theory, hold on, I will think of it. I just know it. I believe its because we desire to do what we want when we want. If told no, we want to more. Kind of like whenever someone says: "Don't look!" And you find yourself more inclined to look than not. So the reality is when we are told no, we want to do it more. Humans don't like being told no, specifically teenagers don't like being told no.

To Fantasize: Indulge in daydreaming about something desired.

Every since I was 5, I have wanted bigger and better things than I was given in life. I grew up fantasizing about what I would look like and who I could be. It was always very nonrealistic, living life as a princess in some castle, or being some kind of superhero that would save the world from evil. I also pictured every possible scenario of how I would fall in love in college and how I would storm the halls of college. By fantasizing I was able to cope with my boring mundane life.

At 11, when I bought my first sony walkman, fantasizing was upgraded to another level. I could know create scenarios through the songs I would listen to. My imagination could be stretched and grow since I had music that would allow more ideas to flow into me. It was really exciting to me and I found a lot of pleasure in my made up dreams. I got away with keeping it a little secret till I was "caught" one day.

It was another afternoon, listening to my walkman as I "napped." I felt as if someone was watching me, but I was really getting into Hilary Duff's Come Clean. Finally my eyes opened to see my older brother laughing. I guess what gave me away was my ridiculous grin across my face, and me laying on my bed at mid-day.

I guess I have spent a ridiculous amount of time, creating dreams in my head. When I look back on my life, I find that was something that really got me through actually liking life. Everyone daydreams and most people have don't want to share them. But, my daydreams tell more about me, than well anything else does. The thing is I found more pleasure in my own made up "reality" than what was in actuality going around me.

My first Blog!

I started my own blog in honor of MY independence.

I dedicated my blog to Raspberry Island-- my haven during my senior year. This "island" is on the Mississippi River in downtown St. Paul. Throughout my last year of high school, I found myself feeling heavy with burdens of life. Most of which, I put on myself unknowingly. I was stressed beyond belief and I was overanalyzing every SINGLE thing that was happening to me. In order, to cope with my emotions I would walk to this "island" and lay down looking out at the city. As I would lay I could smell the awful, polluted river and hear the geese honking at each other. I believe I wanted to set this blog up in order to better understand myself and why I have way too many problems.